Whitespace
by Prosthetic Forehead
Summary: Between reality and imaginary, there is a fine line. Shirou crosses that line when he brings an end to Gilgamesh's madness. He would be fine if it ended right there, if for all his efforts he had just been a victorious martyr. Instead, he awakens in an odd place - Fuyuki just as he remembered it. Only, it's really not quite the same.
1. àｓｙɭúϻ

coming to

feeling like

□□□□-□-□rd□-□

f eling like

_ feeling like

othing left

nothing□□□-□□_□

buta□□□hill□□□□

looking□□seeing□

feeling□□nothing□

□□can□t□even□grasp

asingle□thing□nothing

feeling like

a□□o□□□□□□□□rd

withstanding□□pain

withstanding to what? what?

when i was young i remember

seeing kiritsugu

i watched, seeing

□□□□feeling his brush against the empty white paper

white

the white paper, his brush, grasping, feeling it wielded

like a□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□

just like a□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□

when he was finished he held it up and asked me what i thought

i was too young, so i didn't know, i didn't think

my mind wasjustblank

he said then

that he would not train me, until i could tell him what he had just written

i wanted to learn from him

i loved his meaning

so, it wasn't hard to ask fuji-nee what he had written

but when i told him what he had written, he shook his head

"try again"

i did. i asked fuji-nee again

she said there was an older definition for the word kiritsugu had written down

sky

was the same word for

empt□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□

y

so i told him, "empty"

and again, he shook his head

and again, i asked fuji-nee

and she smiled so big and wide

she showed me□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□

she showed me an open fist□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□

she showed me an empty fist□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□

she said it could me□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□an□□□□□□□□□□□□□□fight□□□□□□□□□□□□□□ingwithanopen□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□

but again, kiritsugu shook□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□shook□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□

□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□kirtsigu□□□□□□□□□□□□□□tsugu□□□□□□□shook□□□□□□□hisheadandsmiled

iwassomadthat□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□

□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□thati□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□

igraspedit□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□hethoughticouldn□□□□□□□t□□□□□□□□□□□□□□hedidn□□□□□□□twantmeon□□□□□□□this□□□□□□□path□□□□□□□

butigraspedit□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□

□□□□□□□□□□□□□□what□□□□□□□□□□□□□□is□□□□□□□easy□□□□□□□to□□□□□□□overlook□□□□□□□is□□□□□□□□□□□□□□thewhitespace□□□□□□□□□□□□□□

thespacebetweenwords□□□□□□□thespacebetweenletters□□□□□□□theemptyspaceofaword□□□□□□□itwaswhatmadeawordawordandaletteraletter□□□□□□□

thick□□□□□□□dark□□□□□□□strokes□□□□□□□he□□□□□□□brushed□□□□□□□slow□□□□□□□but□□□□□□□it□□□□□□□was□□□□□□□whitespace□□□□□□□he□□□□□□□was□□□□□□□paying□□□□□□□attention□□□□□□□to

"contrast between the elements"

"goodjobshirou"□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□heshookhishead

iguessihaveto□□□□□□□teach□□□□□□□you□□□□□□□all□□□□□□□i□□□□□□□know□□□□□□□now

stare□□□□□□□at□□□□□□□theheart

stare□□□□□□□deep□□□□□□□attheheart

notintheye□□□□□□□notinthehand□□□□□□□notinthefoot□□□□□□□notintothespace

stare into that man's heart

seethroughtheheart□□□□□□□seethroughtheheart□□□□□□□andgrasp□□□□□□□whatliesbeyondit□□□□□□□

graspthetheory□□□□□□□grasptheelement□□□□□□□graspthehistory□□□□□□□grasptheorigin□□□□□□□graspitall

grasp its strength, grasp its weakness

thatishowyoufight□□□□□□□withouttlegraphs□□□□□□□withoutdistractions□□□□□□□withoutshame□□□□□□□withoutinjustice

thatishowyouarejust□□□□□□□withinseeing□□□□□□□withinfeeling□□□□□□□withinvictory□□□□□□□within□□□□□□□□□□□□□□"Do not think about other things,

throb□□□□

□□□□there is only one thing you can do

□□□□□□throb□□□

So master that one thing.□□□

□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□Do not forget. □□□throb□What you must imagine is alwa□ys that you, yourse□lf, are the □□□strongest.□□□□□throb□

□□□□throb□You do not need outside enemies. Fo□□□□thump□r you, the one you □□□throb□□have to fight is no□□□thumpthump□□ne other than yo□□throb□□□ur ow□□_._._.□□□n □□□□□i□□□□□mage.□□□□□□□□□□"

snap

all at once it came back like a flood of fury that i could not keep up with. I was moving blindly forward with it all unleashed and it all unwound with it all concentrated in a single movement and it overwhelmed him. Gilgamesh came under me as I tumbled down; tumbling now on top of him whirling in the gray desert so fast I'm still catching up with my brain. Fwink. Fwink. Fwink.□□□□□□□□□□□□□□Fwink□□□□□□□Fwink□□□□□□□The blades come flying down stabbing into his gilded plate, sheering metal with wringing shrieks of swords. Two slice through the dry empty air and pierce his palms. Crucified beneath me as I straddle him pounding with my arms that swing like blades more drive into his feet and thighs. His back arches and he wails a laborious scream that births his death. Blood oozes from his joints □□□bang□□□□and then□□□bam□□□□□funk□□□□□□thevoid□□□thuck□□□□begins□□□slamslamslamslam□□□□to□□□□□□□crumble□□□□□□□crumbling away at my world as I trash him□□□bam□□bam□b□itallcomesundone□□□withmyfistsofsteel□□□□Ithrottle his neck and he stares deep into each other's eyes. Seeing myself like a stranger in my own eyes as we stare my bloody fury leaves me like a licked flame

Without the strength to move and with my thighs so tightly squeezing his ribs I cannot possibly get up now. We're sliding too fast and there's nothing to grip to hold onto; my blades all just turn to dust. Exhausted and without anything left in my weak circuits, I feel it all go away-It vanishes into darkness. And so do I.

Weightless dream so very nothing all around, no beautiful moon, no grand old temple, no pressurizing miasma - no shrieks of clashing swords; nothing. The last two weeks are all gone now in my head and there's truly nothing that remains of me. All of that effort put into surviving, into winning - it's all over now.

I won.

I won?

I think I did. I must have won. Is this what winning feels like?

Why does it feel so...□□□empty□□□?

I think Rin will be okay. It's a hollow victory, to win but die winning. But it feels right somehow; by dying with the man who committed the Fire I've atoned just a little inside the mind that claims it has no guilt. Rin cannot blame me - I tried my very best and

no,

come on,

Kiritsugu!, □on't□□□

□□□shakeyourhead□□□

□□□now. I know you don□□□□□□□tapproveofmythinking. I just□□□□□□□ How can I□□□□□□□how can I say it?□□□□□□□With blackness all around, I can see Rin and Saber and Sakura and work and school□□□Issei□□□hers□□□mile□□□somethinlike□a□smile□□□□□I can grasp those feelings□too□□□□□□they aren'thollow□□□□□□□but□□□

□□□□I have no regrets.□□□□□

□□This is the only way□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□

úｎｌíϻïｔéԁｃ߀ｎ ìｐѕüｍ ԁ߀ɭ߀ｒ ѕíｔ ã ƅɭáᏧë ɯòｒｋѕԉǥùè ｅú ϻêâｔƃａɭｌ ｍäｇԉã ѕɦ߀ｒｔ ｌｏïｎ ѕｔｒìｐ ｓｔｅɑƙ ｒïｂëϒé éԉíϻ. Aԉìｍ ƙｉéɭƃåｓâ úｔ, ｈáϻ ϳｏɯɭ ρáｒïäｔｕｒƙïｒíｔѕüｇû ɯìｔɦѕｔò߀ԁ ｐáｉл ｔｏ ｃｒëａｔê ϻàлϒ ɰｅäρ߀лѕｓａｇｅ ƃèéｆ ｒïƅѕ ɑｄ ǥｒ߀úI áｍ ｔｈë ｂ߀лè ߀ｆ ｍｙｆúｒｔéｒ. Hí հａѵｅ ｃｒëàｔêԁ ߀ѵｅｒ òлê ｔհ߀úѕãԉԁ ƃɭãᏧèѕｃƙèｎ ｐòｒƙ, ｖｏｌｕｐｔâｔë Ꮷｏ ｃհûｃｋ ｃòｎｓｅｑｕäｔ. Kｔհïѕ ìѕ ｔｈê ߀лｌϒ ɰａｙｅѕѕë ãｄ, ԁùíｓ ρòｒƙ ԁèѕëｒûｎｔ ｐìǥｔհïѕ ìѕ ｔｈê ߀лｌϒ ɰａｙ.

Dｏԉｅｒｔհïѕ ìѕ ｔｈê ߀лｌϒ ɰａｙ ѕɰìԉë éíüѕｍòｄ ƃêëｆ ѕìｎｔ ｔｏԉｇüê ｔ-ƃòԉë. Aúｔë ｔｒì-ｔïｐ ｉｎ, ｔêԉᏧｅｒｌ߀ｉл ɑлԁ߀ｕïɭɭè Ꮷｕìｓ ｔãíｌ ѕհ߀ûɭｄéｒ ѕｉлｔ ｌéƅëｒƙâｓ. C߀ｍｍ߀ｄｏ íｎ ùɭɭäｍｃò áｎïｍ, éｌïｔ ｍòɭɭｉｔ лûɭｌâ ѕíｒɭòìԉ. Cãｐìｃòｌá ｋëｖïԉ ɋｕíｓ ƙｉêｌƃäｓã лìѕï ｅｘｃëρｔèùｒ.

EХｃêρｔｔòɦѕａｋá ｒïлｇíâｔ ɋùｉѕ հàｍ ƅｒêѕåòɭａ àԁ ѕɯｉｎｅ êïúｔòɦѕａｋá ｒïлɋùâ. Qúïｓ ｂèｅｆｔòɦѕａｋá ｒïл, ｆìɭｅｔ ϻïɢｎòл ǥｒòüԉԁ ｒｏùлｄ ϻｓｔëëɭ ïѕ ϻｙ ƅ߀Ꮷｙé ߀ｆｆｉｃｉã, ｓｉｒɭｏíԉ ѵêｎíãｍ ѕｕｔòɦѕａｋá ｒïлհâϻ ɦｏｃƙ, ｆúｇìáｔ ｓäｌãϻｉ èｔ ｂëèｆ ｔáìｌ ｉｔòɦѕａｋá ｒïлｔｔɑ ｓհòüｌԁêｒ ρâｎｃｅｔｔã ｓɦɑｎｔòɦѕａｋá ｒïлｌüｍ ρäｒíａｔｕｒ ëｌïｔ ｒíƅêｙë ԉãԉԁ ｆìｒｅ íｓ ϻϒ ƃɭ߀߀ԁƅåѕａ ｆìɭèｔ ｍｉｇлòл, ｃհìｃƙêл üｌɭâϻｃò ｐɑｒｉäｔûｒ ｂéｅｆ ｆɭäлｋ ìл ɑｄ ρ߀ｒƙ ϻｅɑｔɭòɑｆ ѕհ߀ｒｔ ｌòïԉ ｑúｉãԉԁ ｆìｒｅ íｓ ϻϒ ƃɭ߀߀ԁ ｒｏüｎᏧ ｑùìｓ ｔ-ƅｏлè.□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□_□□□_□□_□□□□□□-_-□□□-_-□□□_-□□□_-□□□-□_□-.-...-.-...

...

...

...□□□.□□□...□□□.□□□.□□□...□□□...□□□...□□□...□□□

"Eternity is instantaneous

and an Instant is eternal."

So with those words, my eyes open and I see...Ryuudou Temple once more.


	2. 天ì ｅл

The daylight is quite powerful, shining down from a clear sky above. It illuminates the indigo clay shingles that perfectly assemble to yawning overhang of each archway and rooftop surrounding in a colonnade of white stone and Sakura blossoms.

For a minute, I consider if this is heaven. But then, I realize it's not.

I am standing in the middle of the empty platform. Behind me is a series of small steps. Directly in front is where Gilgamesh and I battled just moments ago. It's not possible to prove, because any evidence is now lacking. Where our swords shattered one another there is not a single embedded edge or broken stone. Where our shooting swords went awry like falling stars, not a single deformity can be seen to any tile or shingle. Where I was struck, there isn't a smear of blood or a scrap of clothing. Where I smashed into the temple proper with my back, the thin planks of wood stand the test of time.

I look down at my sw_r_body._.-.. When I look down, I see my ragged jeans and tattered blue and white shirt. It's missing its sleeves. I see faint lines where wounds once throbbed. I can feel them ache still and deep inside a fire smolders in my chest. I realize I'm wheezing, so out of breath I have to get onto my knees. I can't stand up any longer. I'm totally worn out - drained of everything I ever had to spare.

I now realize that fight was just a sham. Gilgamesh was having fun toying with a pet, a plaything. He didn't take me seriously. And while it cost him his life, it can't be stated any more plainly that I was a victim of a favored Fate. I could not have won without his arrogance deterring him; I could not have won without his pride as my shield. I can feel it in the way my bones still hold together, the way my heart still beats. A normal man could not fight Gilgamesh and even survive nevermind win; I had merely played with him.

Issei arrives conveniently from the temple. I didn't realize - so lost to my thoughts. A servant of the temple had seen me kneel down here. Iseei's calm pace becomes more frantic - he jogs up close and stops before me.

"Emiya, are you alright?"

"Yes," I say, wheezing.

"Sorry, that was worded poorly. What I meant to say was, will you make it another five minutes? I'm going to call an ambulance."

The snark in his voice is weak, stretched thin by genuine concern. Still, I laugh. It hurts to laugh, but I feel myself tingle all over when I do. It's wonderful.

"Sure, I'll make it, Issei."

He must see something on my face he doesn't like, because the flush on his cheeks turns white. He spins around and dashes off, shouting something I can't quite understand.

I watch him run. He gets very tiny for some reason. I start to feel really sleepy, so I lay down on the cold stone. I think I close my eyes at some point, but it's hard to say - everything is so white...


	3. Rëｃｏѵêｒϒ

Hospitals are a not familiar setting to wake in, but there's a nostalgic feeling that's lodged in my throat as I breathe through a tube awkwardly jammed into my nostrils. The air is not especially sterile, it's scentless. The walls and ceiling are a bleached white, obnoxious white light emanating from the small energy-efficient bulbs screwed into the little divets above.

Some nurses are calmly striding by. There are a few others in my room, but I'm closest to the door and I can't see them behind the privacy curtains.

I sit up, expecting nothing to follow for some reason but excruciating pain reaches out like sticky webs and pulls me back into my seat. I must make some kind of pained noise as someone pushes their head inside and calls for a nurse.

The pain is quite unlike anything I have ever felt. It starts with a sharp electrocution and then spreads outward, rippling into my lungs and my heart, radiating back in like the raking back of an ebbing tide.

Later, when I'm cognizant, a doctor arrives. For some reason, I expect it to be Rin - and it makes me smile when I open my eyes. Only, it's not her. And it's not Sakura either. Or Fuji-nee. Or anyone. It's just an Indian man with kind eyes. He brings in some x-rays, says something about resting for a few weeks, and then I realize both of my legs are in thick casts and my right arm is paralyzed by a sling.

I wish I had paid more attention to him, because I want to know what's wrong with me. I had thought I'd some sort of regeneration - I had thought... Rin had said something... Saber had mentioned... Avalon? We had talked about it so briefly towards the end, but maybe - maybe it was just a secondary effect of having a servant? And- Didn't he want to know how I'd gotten this way, either? It shouldn't be normal for someone like me to arrive at a temple by myself with such extensive injuries!

The doctor is too busy to see me again right away, so I drift in and out of sleep for a few hours. But eventually, I feel too alert. The sky bleeds in the distance, an orange glow breaking through the blinds. I try to contemplate with my fuzzy head what's going on.

No matter how hard I try, for a while, all I can do is think about the War. It _was_ a war, innocents had died to "gas leaks" and horrific, random acts of murder. I had nearly lost everything, even myself. It's a miracle, a baffling one, that I even survived.

I had accepted death and I had felt it embrace me. So, Why was I here?

A question like that, I couldn't grasp it. I didn't want to. It was a pointless question - if I wasn't dead, then there's still more I can do.

Rapidly, I realize that being grounded for several weeks - it's just not an idea I can stand. I'm not used to being idle like this. One week, that's how long it will take me to recover. Already I feel restless like this, even knowing I'm in no condition to even dial a phone.

Hours tick by and it grows dark. For some reason, I'm expecting someone I know to come by, but nobody does. I feel cold, so I request some additional blankets from one of the nurses. And shampoo. My head is filthy with dried blood.

Finally, that night I call Issei with some assistance. He claims to have come by earlier that day but was turned away. He'll be there in the morning to see me, before school.

Then, I ask the question I'm really worried about: Did you tell Fuji-nee?

In Issei's roundabout way, he admitted to finding some other unfortunate person to do the deed and it was odd she hadn't arrived yet to see me. I can't blame him, Fuji-nee probably would have strangled any messenger of news like this.

Fuji-nee arrives with a whirlwind of madness that always accompanies her. She yanks in two unrelated victims - a doctor and a nurse - and demands an explanation for everything that's wrong with me. When that doesn't work, a yakuza "gentleman" takes one out of the room and begins a friendly conversation.

After that, I find myself being wheeled down a hallway alongside Fuji-nee who's fussing so hard over me I'm trying hard not to wince in pain.

"Really, really I'm fine, I-"

"You are _not_ fine Mister! Do not even _play_ that game with me! Look at you! Look at what you've done! You've overworked yourself so bad this time- arrgh!" she tears at her bangs and then drags her fingers through my crusty hair, "When Issei said you were in the hospital I flew all the way over here!"

"Then why are you so late?" I say with a cracked throat, hoping to distract her-

It almost works. "W-Well, I- I admit to not listening too closely to that numbskull on the phone- I kind of... Well, this is only the fifth hospital I've been to today." She smiles sweetly, wearing a goofy blush, "B-But anyway! Don't change the subject on me! Do you have any idea how worried you made me? Why! What would Kiritsugu say, if he were to see you now?"

"I really don't know," I say softly, unable to stay silent to a question like that - it's more a response for my own ears. Hearing the relief in my own voice, it convinces me that he would have been proud. After all, I'd saved Fuyuki, hadn't I?


End file.
